did you see that person in the bushes did you read at the Conchita lunches did you stab the spartan and kill the wild beast made the cut we ran on for hours there was a fire in our lungs a piece of Yeats and the photos of your mother that you didn't burn with the others staring down at the little girl dances I touch with all the magic of a shaman I speak to your inner beauty I listen to the turtle repeat the words from that song by Huey Lewis and the news I pull out my bag of judgement and roll a joint your torn black grave corpuscle madness as we dig into the morning of void I wired you up to the bomb taught you all the prayers made sure that you knew how to bleed your sister was winking at me on Delancy street I had a tall bucket of well wishers sloshing out the sides I could forgive you if only I could find you I know you had a vision of what life should be like and we never got close to it until now you are sweeping the floor and I am stacking the oranges you were a naked barbie doll missing an arm with lipstick stains on your ass I pulled the gum out of your hair as best as I could cheap junk for the need everybody has a need

19.10

19.10

Bleary eyed and stumbling over something I remember one time I stumbled over harpo and jane on the floor together jane was embarrassed and harpo was laughing I saw jane sink her claws into harpo’s skin she told him not to move I was just getting a beer out of the fridge I was up late studying I probably had a test the next day in some class it is all meaningless now except for the memory of jane and harpo on the floor together just thinking about it makes me laugh we pretend that the darkness has an ending we curse the sheep as they betray us this brings me so much sadness I am sad beyond measure I am sad beyond countenance I am sad beyond ten fingers and ten toes a rodent face staring back at me invoking the moth and the flame my habits and vices you are living in the past I try to pull you out but it is impossible you said it was nice to burn things with your magnifying glass with jumbled up letters of delicious cake for your brain you say yes swallowed alive by the cake it looked like a test of wills you drape the towel over your shoulders and hold the light up high eating fried catfish each day you stick yourself with needles feeding your need under your skin catnip the deception you said I would like it I bought the tickets for the show those old romantic roles priming the pump with Jack Daniels devastated powerless in a trance I could see right through my hands I am vanishing fast I can’t open my mouth mesmerized by the unreal you are watching me go to pieces your words I won’t let you in my ears you look so much younger you changed your hairstyle I shut my eyes and I can still see you the static noise and the yellowish unnatural glow it seeps inside of me little by little making me its own I am being absorbed by this glow I stare at it and it stares back at me advancing slowly I step backwards as it moves towards me it feels like I breaking up into tiny little light particles and they are slowly being pulled by the glow like a magnetic force you have stayed on inside my head longer than you should have I can’t sleep so I get up and have a beer there is a glow coming

19.9

19.9

A strange incident that leaves the protagonist disoriented you were shrinking getting smaller eventually you were small enough to put you in my pocket We would go to the movies you would sit on my shoulder and watch the movie I went to the store to buy you a doll bed to sleep on and doll clothes to wear you used to crawl under the electric fence you were so brave so courageous when the whole town stood and saluted you I tried my best not to cry I thought I would never see you again the games were something we never thought of I would punch it back to farthest point in my mind I tried to forget you sold strawberries at the market I remember my mother would buy all you had and then she would make me a pie with the berries I think that is why I associated you with sweetness because of the berries I remember when you started to ripen it made me extremely excited just to look at you I was afraid to look at you directly in your eyes so I would have to sneak peeks at you I remember your mother used to make fertility dolls and sell them at the market someone far off is yank at the ends of my rope tugging hard at me pulling me along I have always had this sense that the decisions that I make are not my own that someone else is making my decisions for me don’t try to see yourself in this because I don’t think you are here probing needles into the far reaches of my brain the appointed time of gloom and foreboding a shadow that whispers into my ear and says sweet peppers as if everything has been mechanically calibrated you said the door was looked I was lying on the couch my shoes and socks were on the floor you said that everything just seemed odd and different than before I am reading a new book I just got it from the university library I had one of the librarians help me find it tonya how are your strawberries are they as sweet and juicy as I remember can I put one in my mouth again see my mouth is wide open and your peaches my god your peaches

19.8

19.8

There is an open mouth laying open there are monsters in the fields I am looking for a puzzle to solve a whimsy to give away I will write and give it away I don’t care if you publish this you probably have better things to focus on we really don’t know each other we have not established some reciprocal relationship I’m probably not going to submit this piece anyway the things that you need seemed too much too harsh too stringent I think the tone of the words put me off more than the meaning of the words we are beyond merely reading the surface meanings of words Isn’t more what we don’t say than what we say there is so much I haven’t said yet sometimes I wonder about the time that is left probably no one will read this anyway since I’m not going to tag anyone it will just sit there in cyberspace alone without purpose just like the rest of us the bulk of the meaning is submerged the similar are nebulous the gimmick at the expense of the human element a soft landing with a pack of Marlboros in my pocket a prelude to romance you wanted to keep your distance fearful of the copycat culture yearning for some true insight ah this thing you call insight is a fickle bitch no she hides from you and then gives you clues to where you can find her but you are always one step behind you can hear her laughter echoing through the thin walls insight is teasing you and you keep fighting the good fight and claiming to be low-tech I dislike you more and more I am reading 17 puzzling stories each one is about you 17 different ways for you to die played out in my mind across my retinas your search for meaning takes you to a blank wall and at the wall you are shot or stabbed or strangled or poisoned it always happens at the blank wall counting your words retracing your steps the chalk line around your body blood stains bodily fluids a spilled purse men in coveralls cleaning the sidewalk the street the park the living room the church steps the city hall the interrogation room the detectives are writing down the details of your long distance love affair the name of all your lovers where you bought your underwear

I am creating an arbitrary choice the physical properties of cause and effect I started to wonder at that point a proposition a rock so large that I can't lift it going back in time and killing myself everything within my environment every chunk of matter having it calculate the future my machine god fluctuations the result of the interaction of material telling what I will pick a little demonstration likes to curse as I go to bed just finished off a case of crazy the meds make me a little light headed my dirty little rich girl driving her vette into the lake wearing my sex bracelet an epidemic of fisting Dr. Phil antinatalist black metal trying to impress the steam punk girls it was a double impact wrench tightening down

I asked her about some sublimatic fun. She was a goth that was in college, worried about her fingernail polish and other shit like that. She was writing a book about death. In fact, she was infatuated with the topic of death. She studied death, read about death, she visited morgues and cemeteries all the time. She considered death to be the thing that brings balance into the world. She said that death brings harmony. When things get all fucked up and all out of whack, death comes along and straightens things out. It serves a purpose in society, sort of a balancing agent. We naively think of death as being bad, when in actuality death is good. It removes us from the realm of pain and suffering. It sends us back to the realm of the spirit. It is like a free ticket out of lost town. We get on the bus and away we go to another place where things are more clearer. We get joined back with the big universal spirit and we become a part of this big thing, something that is beyond us. We all long to be apart of something that is bigger than ourselves. I think this is just our spirit longing to rejoined with the big spirit. She wearing stripy tights and dark delights. Her love is always gift wrapped and ready for a party. She makes me feel her darkness, a darkness that is deep inside of her. I let my fingers fly over her, like little birds fluttering. I am pecking at her with my beak. She wants to speak, but I have silenced her with a ball gag. I step over her frozen heart and work life and fire into her muscle. I watch it pumping in and out with new life. This is the subjective something that overwhelms our lives. At least we are overwhelmed by our interpretations for a moment. Our movements become a subjective dance. I have given her a vibration that can reach her numbness. I am diverting her attention from the razor blade. When I am done she is in metamorphosis, changing into the nothing. Her will to become the nothing is what makes her perverse. I love her perversity. She is a conquest in the superficial. I participate in her emotional explosions. We are working in Sodom. I am making the unwatchable and she is selling tickets. We spend most days sitting around and talking. We never have any customers. I remember when their used to tourists. It would be nice to have tourists again. Tourists don't care about fascism or fulfilling dreams. They just want to live for the moment, to be entertained, to escape for a little while. Bonnie is good at helping me escape. She unzips me and pulls me out. She strokes me ever so gently. I laugh and tell her that it won't break. She says you would be surprised what I can do with this thing and then she shows me. I was surprised.

I was all over her. Just like all the others before her. I'm tearing down the walls of my jail cell. The warden is swimming in deep waters. I'm mixing voodoo with Betty rooter choker checker  doing the twist and selling plastic dimes to the honkies. I've been in a car before. Making bangers and harsh and stuffing them with freddie mercury hohos and twinkies. I'm gonna need a lawyer, guns,and money before I can get out of this. I'm saying my prayers and crossing my fingers to the sweet baby jesus cause my momma didn't make no bugger with mosquito spray id bracelets. I'm building that new invention, the one with flashing lights and nuclear capabilities. We are going to roll this mother fucker along. I am talking to my cock. We are talking about politics. For some reason, my cock is very interested in politics. My cock will go on and on about what the latest politician is trying to do to the country. Basically, my cock thinks all politicians are dicks. I guess it is that it takes one to know one scenario. My cock thinks that everyone should be involved in politics, not just dicks. My dick thinks that serving in a political office should be mandatory for everyone just like jury duty. People should have to serve a year or two as the mayor, or as a city council person, or as a state senator or in congress. There would be no need to have elections and there would be no need for people to campaign. This would just be part of your community service for being a member of society. My cock always has big ideas.